I love the movie Oliver with Ron Moody. He couldn't be any worse than some of our recent Chancellors either!
You've got to be Joking!
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GuestTommysgirl31-12-22
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Level 9202-01-23@Tommysgirl
New Year's Day and two old dears, Ethel and Mavis, are taking their dogs for a walk. They both had a heavy night on the sweet sherry so aren't feeling at their best.
After about half an hour, they come to a pub and Ethel suggests to Mavis that they pop in for a swifters just to try and shift their hangovers.
"They won't let us in", Mavis says to Ethel. "There's a sign on the door that says 'No Dogs Allowed, Except Guide Dogs' "
Ethel replies "Not a problem. I have a couple of pairs of sunglasses in my handbag. If we put those on, we can pretend we're visually impaired and they'll let us in."
So they both don their dark glasses and enter the pub. Mavis goes up to the bar and orders a sherry. The barman looks down and sees Mavis's standard poodle and says to her "No dogs allowed!"
"It's a guide dog." she responds.
The barman replies "Ok, but guide dogs are usually Retrievers or Labradors, not poodles."
"Well." Mavis replies. "Poodles are very clever and can be trained just as well as other breeds. He's my guide dog and I'll have no more nonsense from you, young man!"
The barman relents and serves her a large sherry. He then turns to Ethel and says "I'm not letting that thing in. There's no way that is a guide dog!"
Ethel bends down and runs her hands over her dog for a few seconds, turns round to Mavis and exclaims "Mavis! Would you bloody well believe it. That lot at the Guide Dogs have only gone and stitched me up with a flamin' chihuahua!!!"Last edited by retrotecchie; 02-01-23 at 15:47.
Don't shoot me, I'm only the piano player. I DON'T work for or on behalf of EON.Next, but am willing to try and help if I can. Not on mains gas, mobile network or mains drainage. House heated almost entirely by baby dragons. -
GuestTommysgirl02-01-23@retrotecchie
Brilliant!🤣🤣🤣😹🐩 -
GuestTommysgirl02-01-23@retrotecchie
Q: Why did the man call his dogs Rolex and Timex?
A: Because they're his Watch Dogs.🐕🐕 -
Level 9202-01-23@Tommysgirl
A friend of a friend had a dog with no legs. He called it Cigarette because every day he would take it out for a drag.
Q. What's the difference between a shopping trolley 🛒 and a Cocker Spaniel 🐶?
A. With a bit of effort you can make a shopping trolley behave itself.
I was looking out of the front window the other day and I saw my neighbour's dog come down the path with a tenner in his jaws. He stopped at the gate, opened it and let himself through then closed it behind him. Intrigued, I went outside and followed him. He crossed to the other side of the road, walked a couple of hundred yards to the newsagents and went in. A few minutes later, he came out again with a packet of Rizla, half an ounce of Old Holborn and a box of Swan Vestas in his mouth.
He came back up the road, waited for the bus to go past, looked left and right and then crossed the road. He then opened the gate, went through it, shut it again and then walked back up the path to the front door. He dropped the smoking tackle, then began to scratch at the door and woof.
When my neighbour opened the door I called out to him "That's one hell of a clever dog you've got there!'
"Nah!", replied my neighbour. "The daft mutt forgot his keys again."Last edited by retrotecchie; 02-01-23 at 20:01.
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GuestTommysgirl02-01-23@retrotecchie
Q: Why did the student eat his homework?
A: Because his tutor told him it was a piece of Cake.🍰
Q: When the politician was told he had to choose 8 characters for his password, what did he choose?
A: Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. -
GuestTommysgirl02-01-23@retrotecchie
Hilarious.🤣🤣🤣
Q: What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
A: A Labracadabrador.🐕
Q: What are a sharks two favourite words?
A: "Man Overboard"🦈 -
Level 9203-01-23@Tommysgirl
A county Sheriff pulls over a car weaving all over the road. The driver gets out reeking of Bourbon so the Sheriff sets up a roadside sobriety test. He pulls out a piece of chalk, draws a line on the road and instructs the driver to walk along the line. The driver manages to do this without any difficulty.
"Hmmm..." thinks the Sheriff. "Ok, pat your head with your left hand and rub your stomach in circles with your right." he instructs the driver.
Again, the driver has no problem.
"Right, now do you know the Timewarp?" the Sherrif asks. The driver nods.
The Sheriff stands alongside the driver and begins to sing. "It's just a jump to the left...and then a step to your right. You put your hands on your hips..." at which point the driver joins in "and pull your knees in tight. You do the pelvic thrust....which really drives you insa-a-a-a-ane" and promptly falls over.
"Aha!" says the cop. "Having trouble?"
"Yes." replies the driver. "I never could do the Timewarp when I'm steaming drunk!!"
Last edited by retrotecchie; 03-01-23 at 17:55.
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GuestTommysgirl03-01-23@retrotecchie
Q: How do you get two Whales in a car?
A: Start in England and drive West.
Q: What happened to the man who tried to sue the airport for misplacing his luggage?
A: He lost his case!
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