You've got to be Joking!

  • Tommysgirl's Avatar
    Guest
    @retrotecchie
    Very good!🤣🤣🤣🚽
    Q: What's the difference between Outlaws and In-Laws?
    A: Outlaws are Wanted!
  • Tommysgirl's Avatar
    Guest
    @retrotecchie
    Only in the UK do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds parked on the drive but fill our garages with junk!🚗

    Q: Why did the dragon stop fighting Knights?
    A: Because he was tired of tinned food.🐲🐉
  • JohnT's Avatar
    Level 10
    I was working as a barman when Ariel and Times New Roman walked in.
    "Sorry" I said, "We don't serve your type in here".

    The past, present and future walked in.
    It was tense.

    A dung beetle walked up to the bar and said "is this stool taken?"
    Last edited by Beki; 17-01-23 at 15:08. Reason: Community Values
  • meldrewreborn's Avatar
    Level 91
    Seen out side a church on a large poster.

    ”Honk if you love Jesus”

    Then

    ”Text while driving if you want to meet him”
    Current Eon Next customer, ex EDF, Zog and Symbio. Don't think dual fuel saves money and don't like smart meters. Chronologically Gifted. If I offend let me know by private message, but I’ll continue to express my opinions nonetheless.
  • JohnT's Avatar
    Level 10
    Shortly after I finished my education I was working in a vineyard in France when Marvin Gaye turned up and gave me a sheep to look after.
    So I'd herd it through the grapevines.

    🤮
  • Tommysgirl's Avatar
    Guest
    @meldrewreborn; @retrotecchie; @JohnT,
    A man was on trial for car theft. The Judge asks him: "Why did you steal the car?"
    "I had to get to work", the man replies.
    The Judge then asks:: "Why didn't you take a bus?"
    The man replies: "Because I don't have a PSV Licence".

    A doctor says to his patient: "I can't find anything wrong with you, It must be the drink!"
    The patient replies: "That's OK, I'll come back when you're sober."
    Last edited by Tommysgirl; 14-01-23 at 14:51. Reason: Adding info
  • retrotecchie's Avatar
    Level 92
    @meldrewreborn

    An arsonist receives a custodial sentence after appearing before the Court. He's taken to prison where one of the warders escorts him to a cell already occupied by another 'guest'. Having introduced himself to his new cell mate, he enquires as to the nature of his offence.

    "Stealing a car and using it in a ram raid." the other lag told him. "They gave me two years."

    "I'm in for arson. Pouring petrol over bus shelters and setting them on fire.", he replied.

    "Oh, right. What did you get?" the other prisoner asked?

    "Well, it varied" he answered "but usually about four to the gallon."
    Don't shoot me, I'm only the piano player. I DON'T work for or on behalf of EON.Next, but am willing to try and help if I can. Not on mains gas, mobile network or mains drainage. House heated almost entirely by baby dragons.
  • Tommysgirl's Avatar
    Guest
    @retrotecchie; @meldrewreborn; @JohnT
    1) A man gets into a taxi at Kings Cross station. "Where to Guv?" asks the taxi-driver.
    "Waterloo" says the man.
    "The Station?" asks the taxi-driver.
    "Yes" replies the man, "I'm too late for the battle!"

    2) A woman crashed her car. She told the police officer the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.
    The police officer replied "He can do what he likes in his own living room Madam".
  • Tommysgirl's Avatar
    Guest
    @retrotecchie; @meldrewreborn; @JohnT
    A movie studio is casting roles for a docu-drama about famous Classical music composers:🎹🎻
    Tom Cruise says "I'll play the part of Mozart";
    Liam Neeson says "I'll make a great Beethoven"; and
    Arnold Schwarzenegger says "I'll be Bach"!
  • retrotecchie's Avatar
    Level 92
    @Tommysgirl

    Q. What did Mozart do after he died?
    A. Started decomposing

    A chemistry teacher was sat in the lab, preparing a solution for an experiment. The class were being a bit unruly while copying notes from the board and causing a bit of a kerfuffle. The teacher was adding a salt to the solution one spoon at a time and counting to himself "one gram per litre, two grams per litre, three grams per litre...".

    All of a sudden he called out "Will you lot pipe down. I'm trying to concentrate!"